I need to say things because they are going through my mind a mile a minute and I know that this is a very touchy situation for some involved in the situation but I need to get my thoughts out because everything I say is being taken the wrong way.I have been thinking about dating and what it means alot latetly, not for myself since i'm married, but for my sister. I feel bad for her because so far her choices in that department have been very poorly made. Let me describe my sister because she reminds me alot of my aunt becky in some areas. Firstly she is a very sweet and generous woman and always giving. She is kinda shy around guys and has a very very low self esteem about herself always and she feeds it by thinking and dwelling on those thoughts that keep that self esteem low. She compares herself to others and what they are doing (having boyfriends and in my case a husband) and then wanting to have that kind of relationship as well. Which isn't bad if it wasn't something that only makes her self esteem go lower. Secondly she is a little overwieght and so she dwells on that and her looks (which I personaly think she is very pretty and she has a beautiful smile and I wish i had her nose) and so when someone who is her family (me) or any of her friends try to tell her that she is very pretty, she just thinks that we have to say that and that we have to think that. Which sorry, but I don't have to say that and I don't have to think that, I have a mind of my own and I do think and say things that I truly do feel and think. I don't sugar coat things to anyone. When my husband asks me if what he is wearing looks stupid I am honest and if it is then I say, darling.. go change that looks stupid on you and he will either go change or go looking stupid. Either way I dont' sugar coat things and I hate when people sugar coat things for me... so i dont' do it for them.
Because of her low self esteem I can see how guys who are a little (if not more) off thier rocker love to go after her. All they have to do is give her a compliment or two and make it seem as if they are the only ones in the world that think that and that they are so special because they think she is beautiful and tell her so that she should be willing to date them. She can so easily be the person that gets into a very verbal mental abuse situation in dating. She is the perfect target because she doestn' stand up for herself when it comes to her looks and she values what guys think soo much, that if a guy were to tell her, after getting her to like him, that she wasnt' that pretty, it would devestate her. Hurt her. In this, she is alot like my aunt. I am afraid that she would also like my aunt, do things to try to please the man she is dating and i'm not saying sexually, but changing things of who she is to try to please this man (whoever she dates).
Personally I think that Dayna could do better then the current guy she has chosen to like but i can't really tell her not to persue him because first of all I don't know him too well and I have no say in who she dates or doesnt' date and secondly because if I outright said.. don't date this guy because of blah.. she would date him just to prove me wrong, regardless if she wasnt' going to date him or not.
I worry for her because although she prays about things, she does have a tendency to let her emotions tell her what she wants them to say to her to do. I just worry that she is praying about dating this guy and as she has feelings she is like.. well i guess God wants me to date him because i have these feelings. I don't know if she realizes that feelings can be that of lust or want or something that you can feed yourself into having and fooling yourself into believing is God's will. The only way you can tell if the feelings you are having are from God is through daily devotions. No matter where you are at in the bible, when you are praying for something specific God will show and direct you in your reading what he wants you to know.That is why the holy spirit indwells in the believer, to help guide and open the eyes of those that are reading his word to know what He is saying.
My sister was upset that I wanted her to read the bible and get scripture for what she should do, but in all situations that is big you should be praying and seeking God and by seeking God and knowing what he is saying you have to read the bible. God doesn't give you "feelings" as an answer to what you pray about because our own feelings can be very decieving.
My sister thinks that I don't want her to ever get married and that is so not true. I want her to know what a godly relationship with a man is like. Its wonderful to have God center in your life and then have a man come along and help lead you towards God and the things of God and to pray with you and someone that you can talk to about God and grow together as you both seek God. I want to know the kind of love that a man of God can give a woman but I dont' want her to settle for any man that comes along giving her compliments and making her "feel" special. Because in every relationship the "feelings" change and grow and mature and sometimes they grow apart, specially if you are not equally yoked. By that I mean if you are not on the same maturity level, not on the same page in life (with wants and desires and growth) and if you are not both saved.
I made it a very intersting thing in my life to watch and observe people and to learn from others mistakes. I know more then people think I do because I have made it something of high priority in my life to observe them and see how things work. I know for a fact that if you marry someone that is of a different maturity level that things wont' work out.. both are expecting things that the other just can't met.I love my sister and if she wants to date this guy then I'm for it as long as she can show me where God is directing her to date him, if she does that then I wont' oppose it at all. I am not opposed to her dating at all, I just want to make sure that she is doing what God wants her to do.
I do think that the biggest concern for me about this guys isn't the fact that he is 50 and she is only 22 or the fact that he is black and she is white, I think the fact that he has been married and claims to be saved is a huge issue. If he and his wife were both saved then there should have been no divorce, because in a relationship that God is center, the people do not grow apart but grow closer together. And in any divorce the cause isnt' just one sided there are two sides to it. I also am a little concerned that she would end up being the step mom of his three kids all of who are older then her... and I would hate to have her struggle with that as well as what others are going to do and say to her. She will have a very hard time with this man, not because of him but because of how society is going to treat them both. First she looks like she is 15 and he looks his age.. so people are going to treat him alike a pedopiler and that isn't good and then if they do know how old she is they are going to think she is a gold digger. I know that people that know her wont' think that.. at least not where she would find out, but people would think that.
I don't know if she realizes that if she does marry this guy that he wont' be around very long, its a fact that most black men/women dont' live as long as white men/women. And the fact that he is in his later years would only be more added responceabilty. I dont' know if she realizes that she would have to be able to support herself and him finacially as well as take care of him when he is sick and in and out of the hosptial and as his body shuts down. She will be a very young widow and I would hate to see that happen. I do want her to be married but I dont' want her to be widows by the time she is 30!or at the latest 40.
My sister thinks that I'm agianst her being happy and making her own decisions but that isn't the case. I want her to make decisions and she said that she has been learning from her past mistakes yet so far she hasn't proved to me that she has. She makes alot of the same mistakes and its scary because they are big mistakes. I am going to stay out of this though.. because if she shows me that God wants her to marry this guy/date this guy(because dating should and usually does lead to marriage) then I won't say anything about it and I'll be happy for her. But in the same situation as my friend Faythe, I will be happy for her happiness but I won't approve of her choice. My friend Faythe married a man that mentally abuses her and I can't stand him, but i love Faythe and so I encourage her. I dont' visit her much though because of her husband and how he is. I will be happy for Day if she gets married to this man if it makes her happy and if she is doing what she believes is the Will of God, but if she wants me to accept him as my brother then she has alot of convincing to do as well as him to make me see that he is good for her in the long run.
I know that sounds mean and hateful but its not. I only want what is best for Dayna and I dont' think this man is it. I think she can do alot better. My biggest concern is that she says he is saved but doesn't know his testamony, has never had him tell her when and how he got saved. Just because he lives like he is saved doesn't mean you are...I know many that act like they are saved and then later you find out that they weren't and that they are lost like everyone else. Dayna isn't a good observer of people and wouldn't know the difference of someone pretending to be saved and someone that is saved. The best way to know is to ask and she hasn't asked him yet. I know she wants to have a relationship with a man that is saved so this is a huge concern for me... that she hasnt' even asked him, just assumes that he is. That is scary to me.
I must seem like the meanest sister alive because I want the best for my sister and want her to see that she needs to look at things outside the box... outside of the situation she is in. I did that when I was dating Chris.> i steped back and put my feelings aside and prayed and read the bible to determine if he was the one I was to marry, because my feelings have fooled me in the past and i couldn't trust them. And I am glad that i did that because I know now for 100% fact that this is the man that God wants me with and I am so glad because he is perfect for me.. we help eachother and he has the personality and marturity level that is right with mine.
I'll get off my soap box now and just give this all to God.. I have been praying about this and that God will show my sister one way or another about this situation and that he will give me a peace about whichever decision is made so that she knows that I am supporting her and not trying to ride her and get on her case.
~ever praying for my sister~
~Joy~
I really do think that with me going to school, it will help me to see if Juan and I are indeed better off being friends or not- because i won't be around him all the time... my head will be in my books during that time.
Juan isn't the only one who was telling me that i am beautiful. He has indeed helped me in other areas of my personal life too. it's not set in stones between Juan and I, so i need time. I still need to think things thru and pray about it. I am not jumping into this really fast like i would've if i hadn't dated Jasper.
I have been thinking about what you've told me on the phone- and i will keep thinking about it. Because i care what you have to say, even tho it hurts at times.
I guess i am alot like Aunt Becky- But i am not her. I will take this relationship {friendship} slowly- {even if we are to just be friends}..
I am also dealing with this whole father-daughter relationship with dad. even tho dad is on my side- he isn't willing to get off his lazy butt. It hurts to know that his friends are more important than us.
Also, i am the ONLY one in this house that cleans. once i clean a room, it's as if i didn't clean it. I feel like i am being used by my own family. I really can't wait to get out on my own {and not just to school}.
Joy, you are not a bad sister.. I know that you love me and want whats best... i am just going thru a whole lot, and i am not sure where i am supposed to be at in it all {besides going to God}.. i feel like screaming my head off- but you know that i like to be that quiet person off in the corner.
I just need people to be patient with me.. because i can't just pick a way to go any sec now... I know that mom don't want me to be with Juan at all- but is it wrong for me to like him? NO! but mom is looking at it as if i am already "married" to the guy.