Have you ever felt like you are a bird in the mist of a very bad situation? Well, I do. Both me and my husband are very sick and my mind is racing a mile a minute though I don't feel like I can move a muscle to do much. I decided to try and so here I am typing up my blog. I have had alot of time to think and to pray, what else can you do when your wide awake but too weak to do anything other then sit and lay and occasionally eat or at the best type?


I read my sisters blog and for so many years I felt the same way about my dad. You have to understand my dads upbringing to understand my dad. Growing up, as a child I looked up to my dad, thought the world of him, thought he loved me and cared for me. He did, and still does. As I grew older and my idolization of my dad became more set in reality, I noticed a few things. My dad had cheated on my mom, had gone from spending time wth us kids (6 kids) to his friends online, and he drinks and smokes and does marajuana. Regardless of what he does or had done in the past though, I realized something. I have never been close to my dad, and as my sister feels, its like he didnt' even try. Heres the thing though. My dad isn't a christian, he doesn't know God, sure he knows about God, but he doesn't have a personal relationship with him. I have had many talks with my dad confronting him, asking him why he didn't want to be close to us.. and I realized that it wasn't that he didn't want to be close, he just didn't know how. I think that over the years, with as much as I advoided him, there wasnt' any oportunity for him to draw close to me and me close to him. I was the one that was hindering that relationship.


I love my dad, I love him so much that I hurt inside to see him suffer. Sure, he is looking for acceptance, and when you have 6 kids that don't want to spend time with you, what do you do? you find friends that will accept you, be it in person or online. My dad chose the online part, because its easier and safer and he doesnt' have to hurt so much. I see it now. My dad hurts inside because he cant' have a relationship with us kids because we have hardened our hearts agianst him. I think that when it comes down to it,we can only have the relationship we want with our dad, based on the effort we (kids) put forth.

My sister commentented that she wants to be close to my dad, but not once has she mentioned what she was doing to change the situation. I know its going to take years to get the relationship back with my dad as it should, because we have years to overcome of us not being close, years of hurt and years of frustration. I am sure tht my sister wants things to happen now, she is the kind of person that though, seems patient, isn't so much. I can only hope that she reads this and then prays. Only God, our true father in heaven can help heal these relationships.

On a happier note, I got my cd that I have been searching forever and a day to find.. the broadway musical "Wicked". Oh its soo funny and its great. I love it alot. I think its an interesting twist to the classical old movive "The wizard of Oz". Its about the wicked witch and how she wasn't so wicked, as much as having her loved spurned cause she was green. She was misunderstood, and for that reason and a few others, she was thought of as being wicked. I find it funny and sad at the same time. You really should read the book that came out about it, and then get the musical. Its great!

Ok.. my hands are hurting and I am going to go to bed and sleep. I hope that everyone is doing alright.

Leave a message if you like.. or not.

~Joy~